i still haven't decide yet.

i had a good day today. went for NP's open house with nuruz.

nothing exciting really but there were alot of people there on campus. watched a dikir barat performance. made me miss the time i was in dikir barat, which was only for national day. a one day, one time event during my sec 4 year.

met Fadhuli, after a year. he's grown taller, taller than me. the last time i saw him we were about the same height. so we talked about studies and stuff. then he asked how me and him were doing. and i couldn't answer properly. i just said it was complicated. it sort of hurt when Fad asked me that question, all those memories came rushing back into my head.

i have a lot i want to say to the ex-beau but i don't know what to say and how to say it. not a day passes by that i don't think about him. he's a part of my dreams almost every night. and i said i wanted to move on, how can i? when all i think of is him.

adieu

i never made it to school today, i fell sick again and having menses cramps ain't helping me.

well anyways, later at 6pm i will be fetching Fudge, one of my cats, from the vet. she had her sterilization op today. i wonder how she's feeling right now or maybe the anaesthesia hasn't lifted yet. her weight is probably going to shoot up in a few weeks time. like my other cats who have gained a significant amount of weight a few weeks after their op process. wonder how round she is going to be. hopefully the effects of the anaesthesia wears off by the time she comes home.

adieu

First Day of School

babybro is officially a Secondary school student or more accurately an ADSSian.

he was so excited early in them morning, that he woke me up every 5 mins to check that he got everything correct. i could almost taste the anticipation in the air. that feeling of encountering something new. babybro looked cute in his new school uniform too.

when i dragged myself awake to see whether he was ready or not, he surprised me by already getting his bag packed with all the correct items. everything had that new smell. watching him all packed and ready, made me miss secondary school in a way. made me miss carrying books to school. all that I've been carrying to campus are files filled with notes.

the next thing I'm waiting for is his growth spurt. i wonder how tall he'll be. as tall as father? maybe taller than that, who knows.

i know babybro will not get involved or be friends with the hooligans in school. especially the mats&minahs jrs. he's too smart for that. he's too smart to be friends with people like them. he knows how to pick his friends and he knows that he deserves better.

i kinda envy him and his confidence. at such a young age he has so much confidence. i wish i had that much confidence when i was his age. at the very least i know i wouldn't have made those mistakes i made in the past.

adieu

amnesia

imma fake a case of amnesia for awhile.

deleted his number from my contacts list. won't do me any good though because i remember it by heart. i still remember his birthday too. it's a start, though. a very good start i suppose.

its the new year, and i feel nothing. nothing special is gonna happen anyways, after that angry first post of the year. i highly doubt so.

sister got into trouble and father is angry at her. her late nights. can't blame her this time though because it was clearly not her fault but she should have known better. I'm still waiting for her to come home.

i wonder when father will truly give us the freedom. I'm turning 20 this year. old enough to take care of myself. and as far as my parents are concerned, I've been pretty well behaved in their eyes in 2008. though there is no curfew for me since i don't know when. i have indulged in my late nights. mother doesn't really mind that i have my late nights because i report to her in detail. so she doesn't have to worry that much laa. father is a bit of a problem.

the only traditional thing i do every new year is to stay up for 48 hrs. so now, I'm feeling very sleepy. can't wait to hit the bed.

again, have a blessed 2009 ahead, all you fellow bloggers.
adieu

Hello 2009

i must be the only girl alive who's angry and upset over the new year. upset with myself mostly. my inability to make decisions. my constant frustration with everything else.

sister is over at vivo, performing while I'm here at home sulking and in general being freaking angry with myself. i may also be those very few people who welcomed the new year with angry tears running down my face.

i don't know how many god damn times i changed my god damn mind. i missed the chance to meet him because i refuse to text him again asking him to accompany me. and I'm stupidly crying over my mistake. I'm crying also because sister is out having fun while I'm here at home thinking why i was even born. gaahs. i have no friends here in woodlands and even if there were, I'd still be alone.

as for the resolutions, fuck it.

fuck everything else. I'm gonna take 2009 in my own stride. screw what people think. i'm so done pleasing people all the time. always having to be the one who is thoughtful of others. always being selfish to myself. i don't know how many times I've been used.

accept everything that comes my way, take it in my own stride and screw what people think. and I'm totally done making excuses for others.

and i wish he would read my blog someday and realise what he meant to me.

i feel like I've been running for a long time because there's no one on the other side to me stop me.

and I'm still crying my angry frustrated tears.