Intuitive lessons?

Both guys I'm getting to know have issues and I've decided that I'm not going to text them both anymore. One decided to go back with his ex and the other just broke off his engagement.

I know now that why i decided to still be contacting them even after knowing they have their issues is because i needed the exposure. Or maybe HE decided that i should be tested some more.

Whatever it is my intuition has guided me nicely and i managed to escape almost unscathed.

I would be lying if i said i didn't fall slightly for the first guy. Being impulsive like i am. It tends to happen. The curse of being born under the sagittarius star sign.

This brief episode has made me more, i guess, knowledgeable in what i need or simply said when i want to settle i roughly know what to look out for.

The Right one not the Perfect one my parents reminded me.

Matter of the heart are sometimes just too taxing even for the heart itself.

changes.... i hope.

afternoon world!

this week for me has been rather miserable. the reasons are the usual ones which are work and my r/ship has gotten me feeling that way. however, rather important decisions has been made. at least i think so.

i just need to keep my mind off of him and with me starting to coach my cousin with her english i definitely think its a start as good as any. as of right now my mind is busy thinking of lesson plans. im not a teacher by any means cos i cant teach people. i just work with what i ahve and since my cousin's english is above average i find it quite easy to coach her. she is just a little bit rough with her vocab and grammar other that that everything else is perfect. i hope in a few months she can learn to correct her own english. my methods arent conventional by any means but i find it effective cos thats how i improved my english.

her first lesson went pretty well cos she has already started to point out her mistakes and so im hoping for the best. her next lesson will be this coming friday, a trip to the library to help her with her vocabulary.

************

work, well work has been work. nothing new and i dont expect anything remarkably good to happen since people can be so ignorant about border security. i just hate looking at their arrogant ignorant faces. and more often than not im always in a bad mood when clearing those arrogant idiots. and i always hate it when they throw their passports and snatch it back when im done. if i didnt have to support the family i would have resigned and chosena a more fulfilling job. preferably one where im working around animals but too bad im not that educated, not in singapore's standards where everything has to have paper qualification higher than ITE, so baically im stuck with the current job that i have.

enoguh about work, im beginning to get angsty.

************

as for my confusing r/ship, let's just say im leaving that to him and fate cos i am so tired of having to think so hard to keep the r/ship working for us and when i feel that he's clearly not trying. sometimes im too patient for my own good.

im just running out of options i guess. if he thinks im no longer good enough or if he doesnt feel the same about me then thats fine with me. i'd prolly cry and feel miserable for a few weeks before moving on. cos all i seem to be doing lately is pissing him off. and when he didnt reply to my msg last weekend i just shut down.

if God Almighty thinks we're meant to be together then we'll prolly be together in the future.

well thats it for today. here's to more peaceful nights.

frustrating much

just when i thought i did the right thing by being difficult. by being pissed off when he suddenly texted me again that we can still meet up but after 8pm. by screwing that up and making him lose his mood.

i thought i would feel somewhat satisfied but here i'm feeling rather guilty. and by doing so i have to swallow my pride, yet again, and call him to apologize. that's if he wants to talk to me.

what am i doing wrong. i know i shouldn't be stressing him 'cos he already is stressed enough without me heaping on him more unwanted stress but i'm just clueless right now. usually i have no problem dealing with our minor setbacks.

maybe february isn't my month. not only am i broke, i'm feeling rather broken hearted too.

i need help. the balance that was present in our relationship is now missing.

breaking point

let's face it, both you and i need a break.

you need to get back on your feet and i desperately need some me time.

the constant cancelling of plans is killing me.

the nightly calls aren't enough anymore, words mean nothing now if you can't show me you miss me.

yes, i'm being a bitch right now 'cos i've had enough.

i love you still but this is too much.

i'm reaching my breaking point, please don't push me over the edge again. 'cos if you do i will not want to make the effort to climb back up again knowing that you won't be there physically to help me get back up on my feet.

and fact is, our relationship is going into a downward spiral, again.

i'm feeling rather frustrated

it's been, i think, two weeks since he last contacted me, properly. i wonder if he finally got himself employed, kinda feel that as long as he is unemployed, he will continue to feel stressed out and he'll not feel like calling anyone. thankfully i understand how he feels, especially since both of us are firstborn. the responsibility towards your family is greater. and thankfully, I'm a great girlfriend. yeah, I'm entitled to some bragging rights when it comes to my love life 'cos god knows how much I've gone through with him.

anyways.....

the new year at work started off on an awfully suck-ish note. HR really treats officers on contact like crap. i only got EIGHT freaking vacation leave days this year. just EIGHT. even with the four days brought over from last year is not enough for me. since I've already used up two of the previous four days and i end up with a total of TEN day of vacation leave left. fourteen days was just enough, just only. what holidays can i plan with only TEN?

i asked my team leader and he said to check with admin. i don't really like the admin people at work so i checked with one of my mentors and a couple of colleagues.

apparently, only when i recontract with them, my contract ends late October by the way, will they give me the remaining SIX days. i guess there is some hidden logic behind what they are doing but they could have at least told us. we're the ones working our ass off every single day dealing with the public's shitass attitude. i wouldn't be feeling frustrated if they could take the time to explain rather than us finding out on our own. i feel like a pack mule.

there were a lot of trips i wanted to make this year, overseas trips. i already had to forgo the KL trip with my parents 'cos my sister has already started making plans for Australia and if i don't go she can't go. 'sides I've already made up my mind to go with her. the trip with my babygirls i might have to miss again 'cos i don't know yet how many of my vacation leave days will be used for the Australia trip.

well, hope everything works out this year.

just as good as the first

boyfriend frustrated me yesterday, he promised me a date but ended up saying he was joking. and he says i merajuk all the time, how can i not when he constantly pulls pranks on me.

okay, whatever, that was yesterday and it's all but forgotten, almost that is. i need to pull a prank on him myself but knowing me, I'll never succeed. heartbreak much?

anyways yesterday night, before i actually wandered off to sleep. i made a startling revelation, an epiphany of some sort. well it's startling to me 'cos i never thought of it myself. maybe others have but it's my story now so you can leave if you find it redundant or whatever.

i wondered if every single kiss that him and i shared is as good as the first time. the first kiss that sealed our relationship in all it's un-contemporary glory. our kisses have always been intense, so i was wondering if it was more intense the first time or gradually building up or it has always been the same. maybe i should try remembering our first kiss the next time we kiss. wonder how that'll turn out....

one thing is for certain, i still have butterflies in my stomach every time i'm with him. maybe the butterflies are blind and can't get out, maybe they don't want to get out, maybe they can't get out 'cos it's too dark inside. I'm typing nonsense again.

whatever the reasons the butterflies may have for still being in my tummy after two years and four months, I'll be grateful 'cos the feeling is just too damn good to give up.

I suck.

I have pictures in my camera, i should give my camera a name soon, that i'm excited to post on facebook but i can't since my computer has a virus and my camera's memory card won't put pictures into my desktop nor my laptop.

Brother's birthday pictures and most recently yesterday's date with boyfriend at Night Safari for the Halloween Horrors event. I feel stupid now. Ugh!

Wonder when i will be able to upload the pictures. maybe too long that I'll forget that i have pictures to upload.

Anyways, Boyfriend says that we should go for the Halloween horrors event next year 'cos we had waaaayyyy tooo much fun. Him especially since he got to see me scare myself silly. He actually laughed when i screamed myself half to death in the haunted mansion. If only one 9f the actors didn't freak me out so much, i would have actually survived the haunted mansion, stupid hair flinging person. well at least i survived the Train of Terror ride. :)

The make up was damn realistic. all the other actors were not that scary 'cos i convinced myself there was nothing to be scared of in such a huge crowd but there was that one clown walking around with a "knife" and sneaking up on people. *shivers*

One thing left to say, I hate clowns 'cos they give me the phobes.

it's been 2 years. i can't believe it's been 2 years.

well, the two years means nothing since i can't celebrate it.

i don't even know why i'm here blogging when it's pretty clear i have no idea what to say.

it should be one of the days to remember but i have nothing that's worth remembering today. unless of course i want to remember that i'm having one of those i'mnottalkingtoyou fights with him.

as if it's too much too ask for him to remember a date. fuck, it's an easy enough combination to remember. 0106, the 1st of june.

maybe i should start doing things my way, instead of trying to find a compromise that always falls in his favour. knowing me, i'll prolly still behave the same way since i don't have a heart to be mean to him on purpose. yes, i don't have a heart right now 'cos it's with him and he's hurting it yet again without him realising.

enough with all the metaphors since they mean nothing to anyone except for me.

i'll be waiting for him to call me 'cos that's how it works. i don't have the energy to try and work things out. i'll just let him cool down enough so we can have a civilised conversation w/o the silence or the shouting.

i feel so misinformed about life.

the collection and IMM-ing.

hello again, I've actually been thinking of deleting my blog, for real this time but obviously i changed my my mind again. well that's me stupidly fickle minded.

anyways, I've recently acquired a collection of books, not a big one since i have only 11 of them currently. I didn't realise i had that many in a span of 2 months since i started buying my own books. the sad thing is I've read all of them at least twice, 3 times for the House of Night series. i know I'm a freak reader.

I also bought The Twilight series, in a collection box and i got 4 sort of bookmark looking things, it's in the 1st picture as you can see. the box was sold at about 50 bucks after discount. i was damn happy that day. the sad thing is i'm already at the 3rd title and running out of titles very soon. can't understand why the fuck i can't read slower. hmph!

all my titles are supernatural fiction stuff, to do with vampires, witchcraft, werewolves and such. it's nice to escape into their pages for a few solid hours, i can get very engrossed when reading books. i remembered one time that i didn't even realise that my phone was ringing. turns out the caller was boyfriend and he was somewhat pissed that i didn't answer on the 1st call 'cos i usually do. there are many other instances but very much the same, me engrossed in a book and shutting out the reality that is life, my life. it works like an antidepressant, like how my cats make me less depressed about life.

okay, let's not bore you with my life's boring details.

last Thursday, my parents, baby brother and me went to IMM to get our house a new refrigerator 'cos the one at home is dying. it was fun and all but the thing about shopping for household items with mother can be very stressing. I'll not explain 'cos i don't want to get myself confused 'cos that's what she does confuses us as to her preferences. I'd rather take mother clothes shopping on any other given day.

so anywho, she made her choice and the new refrigerator will be home delivered tomorrow. after that we went around IMM just looking at stuff. we went to have our dinner and the end.

the ride home was pretty quiet on the account that mother exhausted everyone with her decision making. pfft!

p/s: i hope my leave is approved and i hope i have enough money saved up for the two overseas trip. *crossesfinger*

>>>>>>>>>>>>

before i forget, while waiting for mother to make her really final decision, brother decided to test out the equipments at best denki. here are a few pictures. i tried the machine that looks like a saddle and it just felt wrong, maybe it's just me. i always have been too imaginative for my own good and my thoughts always goes in the opposite direction.

goodbye world, until next month i suppose. :/

random lah

i wonder what will happen if i decide to find perfection in my pride. just listening to my needs for a change. well whatever, i'm not making any damn sense, even to myself.

the current thoughts in my head are the upcoming trips to KL and, hopefully, Korea. the law exam and my btt are in my head too. boyfriend issues are forever there, permanently etched into my brain is more like it.

work is normal. as normal as it can get. life's normal too, i guess.

lately, i've been feeling like i have some decisions to make, major decisions. it's like life, my life i mean, is making a major turning point and the decisions i make will either make me or break me.

actually, breaking again would not be that much of a problem 'cos i've felt how it is to break.

well i guess that's all.

it's not surprising anymore

it's a Sunday, sadly i'm still at home.

i was supposed to be out with boyfriend but he had to cancel it cos of family. i suspected that the date will be cancelled when he didn't call me yesterday night. it just isn't surprising anymore but it is disappointing nonetheless. i turn a blind eye because of the love i feel for him.

love makes us so oblivious of the hurt that we feel sometimes until it decides to show itself. by then it'll be too late to do anything about it but love is patient and love is understanding. so, nothing can stand in it's way until we choose or decide to do something. and that's why we always stand by the ones we love no matter how much they hurt us. even love has it's imperfections.

maybe later i'll be going down to check if my salary has been banked in. if it is then i'll prolly wait for mother to come home so i can go shopping for the stuff i need. retail therapy will really help me get over my disappointment.

too bad sister will be going out with her babyboy later, i need her around to help me make up my mind whenever i go shopping.

well whatever, i love going shopping with mother too. she knows what type of clothes suit me anyways. hopefully my salary is in by now. if not i'll be stuck at home dealing with my disappointment in him.