It was one of those nights, where sleep chose to evade me. I've had many such nights, some nights where i gradually fall asleep and some where i can't even shut my eyes. I can't say that my insomniac impulses have gotten better or worst 'cos lately it feels like it's reached a plateau. A standstill. The difference is that when on a plateau one usually goes back down upon reaching the top because there is no way of climbing higher, since a plateau is a flat piece of land on high ground. My insomnia, however, fluctuates as and when it feels.
Following my psychie's previous advice which is to try to stay away from caffeine and drinks with very high sugar content. This is the same psychie with whom i've not had any follow-up appointments ever since the pill tripping episode last july. I'd bet you that wasn't the smartest decision, tripping on pills, but then again i have made so many idiot worthy decisions in my teen years and at the state of limbo i'm in, it will sure warrant more such decisions unless i find a way to find myself. In an emotional sort of way because i'm already content with myself physically, more or less.
I really should feel blessed instead of depressed having what i have, loyal friends, loving family and the like. And, after overcoming personal pains plus going through so much early on in life, i should be so lucky to even have what i have now. I always have lots of questions involving this very situation i'm in. I think it is because i've not accepted my past with open arms. I always feel a need to avoid it, hide from it, bury it in the deepest pits of my memory. If i could somehow embrace my past maybe i'd be a happier person and with the embracing of my past, i can finally have the answers to all the questions i've left unanswered.
I feel so unhappy having to write posts such as this one but if i don't i'll never find release. It helps i guess forming your depressed thoughts into words, with that done i can at least make it through the day.
here's to more happier and random posts
Au Revoir
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