am feeling restless

it's been a slow day, only because i slept through the afternoon.

my morning was okay, just the usuals with the kids . they're beginning to be more and more rowdy and naughty. i felt so tired, because i have to repeat myself so many times to be heard. i wonder how sister's gonna handle the kids, it won't be much of a problem i guess since she's more aggressive and fierce. hehs

my parent's are out, with brother. they went to eat, somewhere. sister's out with Sheeq. they should be at the town area. and i'm stuck at home. since i'm such a lazy bum. i've decided to find work after the grad ceremony since i feel like i need time to myself at home. its the only way i can unwind alone with no disturbances since there's no one home in the afternoon.

i rarely blog about my love life. wait... i think i've never blogged about my love life at all. well, not in detail anyways. first off, there's nothing much to blog about because my love life has hit the same rut like it did a few months ago and i thought it was getting better. Nana advised me to talk to him again and make a choice. a final choice for myself, i've yet to make that choice nor have i talked to him. it's not that i refuse to listen to what my girl's opinion on this matter is but i just feel like waiting a bit longer.

secondly, there's that reason. the reason i'm still waiting for things to get better again. the only reason i put myself through this emotional stress. that word called love. i've always known that i do the most stupidest things out of love. this is just one of those times.

i've done stupid things out of love for family
i've done stupid things out of love for exbf's. those memories are still quite fresh in my head even though those events happened years ago. nobody really knows what type of exes i have, not truly though. i've always been a person that can keep secrets from others. i know i'd feel ashamed if i let them out because those were the lowest points in my life. i let it happen not only once but countless times.

he has said before he doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend but i gave him a chance to learn, based on my horrible experiences with the opposite sex, i know close to nothing too. maybe my expectations are too high. maybe i am suffocating him somehow. maybe i shouldn't have a relationship right now.

if only he'd tell me what he wants. if only he'd open up more to me. at least i know where i'm going wrong and what i shouldn't be doing.

if only he'd listen well enough to my needs and just hear me.

i feel like i complain too much sometimes. my heart's going through yet another endless war.

adieu.